Second chances, better late than never?
Feb. 8th, 2013 03:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dragosteelSome time ago, over a decade ago, I was hurt in a manner that was unknown to me... at least to that degree. I won't go into specifics but I got hit emotionally like never before. It was a bombshell of course, my younger naive mind couldn't process it, couldn't handle it. Phrases like "She broke my heart" get tossed around at these times and no doubt I said as such, but broken hearts tend to forget and not love those that broke it. This, I found, was not true.
Over the years I tried my damnedest to move on. I also started to compartmentalize my life, to segregate it. I guess I wanted to keep things separate in case one went to shit I could just mosey on over to the other. I've no doubt that, at least, played a part in all my attempts at love failing from here on out... that and I still loved her. Every time my feelings towards some woman went beyond friendship I undoubtedly compared them to her. She was what I wanted in a woman. If our love was like a fire I could never put it out, not completely, embers would always remain.
Then came the day my mother told me how my uncle had an affair. I wasn't happy about that, it hit close to home and I didn't want to see my favorite aunt and uncle split. Much to my surprise though, they were able to work it out and they are still together today. This set me aback, it made me turn inward, seeking out answers. If they could work it out, why couldn't I with her? The answer: If I was in my current mindset and not the naive young man I was then, it is possible that I may have given her a second chance. Impossible to know for sure, but after that epiphany a small twinge of regret began to settle in, but I had no choice but to shoulder past it. Big regrets are not things I like to dwell on (I still do lol, but I try not to), learn what you can from them and move on. I know at least that I could, in my heart, forgive her at this point. Perhaps this is what I needed to move on; with a clearer head and chin held high I gallantly stepped forward.
And fell right the fuck back down.
This is where I started to spiral downward emotionally, my metaphorical skin thickened and calloused over. Underneath it all was a heart that felt it had loads to give, but realized that no one wanted to receive. After getting dejected twice I pretty much gave up on the prospect of seeking out a relationship. It was nothing more than a pipe dream now.
Then came the day, it was a slow day at work and I was keeping to myself with random thoughts. Suddenly she popped into my head and I began to wonder what she had been up to all these years. "What the hell, let's see what we can find" I thought. I pulled up google and using an old online moniker I began my search. A couple of pages in I found her livejournal account. With satisfaction I clicked on the link.
There, on the front page, a long post. I began reading, it says how she neglects her journal, yeah we all do to a point. How she needs to talk about that subject... wait a minute. To talk about him... wtf. So here's this journal entry written about me, I look up at the top and it's written only four days ago. She goes on how she still thinks about the times we were together, how she still lives with the guilt and regret from it... how she still loves me. She too tried to move on and only found pain. My. Mind. Was. Blown. I reread it like 3 more times, shaking my head in disbelief and what I found. I was at a lost, I had no idea what to do. I mulled it over for a day and the decision was made, I would contact her. I had to, I had to let her know that I had forgiven her for what happened, and in the very least one or both of us could get some closure.
I never thought a couple of paragraphs could take one 3 or so hours to write, but that's what it took. I laid down the basics, even hinted at a couple things without actually saying 'em. When I finished I clicked the send button, and my message was away via livejournal. Three days passed and no response, doubts began to settle in. Then I forced my brain to think logically for once. It was very possible that her notifications were turned off and that means I would have to wait for her to log back into livejournal, and looking at the time between that post and the previous one, it could be a long time coming. Taking action I did a little more scrounging and located an email address. Hoping that it was current I sent off a short message saying that she had something in her livejournal inbox that might be of interest to her. I got a reply a couple hours later.
We toss about a couple emails and lo and behold I am talking to her on ventrillo that night. After the initial awkwardness we both began to open more up and just chat away. We spent our time shooting the shit and catching up. The whole time I am thinking it's the same old Rachel, but somehow different; not in a bad way either. She's more mature, she would laugh at that, but it's true. She and I still, after all this time, shared a lot of interests, games, movies, general BS. We talked, laughed and shared, it felt so... natural; she said it best, it felt like coming home.
This went on for a couple days, during it I asked myself, "Could I give a relationship with her another go? Assuming she would even want to, do I give her a second chance? It was tough before being long distance and all, but today keeping in touch with someone is easier and I think we've garnered some patience over the years. She was worth it then, is she worth it now?" The answer came almost immediately: "yes."
So I tried to work up the courage to ask the question, but she dropped one on me first. "What do you hope to achieve from this?" (the wording may be off, my memory sucks these days, but that's what she said or the gist of it.) It was all I needed and I told her. "I was curious to see if giving us being together another chance was possible." She said some things, trying to deter me, but I was adamant in my decision by this time. I got a "I need to think about it." in the end, and it's all that I could ask for, this was heavy shit.
As my previous post states in its edit, she said yes (her words were very moving, but those I am keeping private), and it made me happier than I have been in a very long time. So, that's where I am today. We are communicating often, interacting with each other when we can, and keeping positive. Some things still need to be taken care of, but those will be dealt with, all with a smile on my face as I stoke the embers back to life.
EDIT: Well, some time has passed and to make it this sub-entry short, things didn't quite fall into place as I had hoped. The issues were multifaceted, but the big glaring issue which seems to be behind it all is distance. She needs someone to be there with her for those old feelings to surface, but she's not sure if they can or will. I simply cannot displace my life, one I've worked hard at to assemble, on a maybe. My heart is sad at this turn of events. We will keep in contact and remain as friends, I can be happy for that; she's good people and we get along well.
If opportunity knocks though, or if something develops, I will be sure to nab it quick. For now... My heart callouses over and I feel lonely once again.
EDIT#2: Been a while, but I decided to change a couple words and cut some stuff in context so sense could still be made. The word I used has become mired in negativity from its origin and I don't want to associate with its new connotation.
Over the years I tried my damnedest to move on. I also started to compartmentalize my life, to segregate it. I guess I wanted to keep things separate in case one went to shit I could just mosey on over to the other. I've no doubt that, at least, played a part in all my attempts at love failing from here on out... that and I still loved her. Every time my feelings towards some woman went beyond friendship I undoubtedly compared them to her. She was what I wanted in a woman. If our love was like a fire I could never put it out, not completely, embers would always remain.
Then came the day my mother told me how my uncle had an affair. I wasn't happy about that, it hit close to home and I didn't want to see my favorite aunt and uncle split. Much to my surprise though, they were able to work it out and they are still together today. This set me aback, it made me turn inward, seeking out answers. If they could work it out, why couldn't I with her? The answer: If I was in my current mindset and not the naive young man I was then, it is possible that I may have given her a second chance. Impossible to know for sure, but after that epiphany a small twinge of regret began to settle in, but I had no choice but to shoulder past it. Big regrets are not things I like to dwell on (I still do lol, but I try not to), learn what you can from them and move on. I know at least that I could, in my heart, forgive her at this point. Perhaps this is what I needed to move on; with a clearer head and chin held high I gallantly stepped forward.
And fell right the fuck back down.
This is where I started to spiral downward emotionally, my metaphorical skin thickened and calloused over. Underneath it all was a heart that felt it had loads to give, but realized that no one wanted to receive. After getting dejected twice I pretty much gave up on the prospect of seeking out a relationship. It was nothing more than a pipe dream now.
Then came the day, it was a slow day at work and I was keeping to myself with random thoughts. Suddenly she popped into my head and I began to wonder what she had been up to all these years. "What the hell, let's see what we can find" I thought. I pulled up google and using an old online moniker I began my search. A couple of pages in I found her livejournal account. With satisfaction I clicked on the link.
There, on the front page, a long post. I began reading, it says how she neglects her journal, yeah we all do to a point. How she needs to talk about that subject... wait a minute. To talk about him... wtf. So here's this journal entry written about me, I look up at the top and it's written only four days ago. She goes on how she still thinks about the times we were together, how she still lives with the guilt and regret from it... how she still loves me. She too tried to move on and only found pain. My. Mind. Was. Blown. I reread it like 3 more times, shaking my head in disbelief and what I found. I was at a lost, I had no idea what to do. I mulled it over for a day and the decision was made, I would contact her. I had to, I had to let her know that I had forgiven her for what happened, and in the very least one or both of us could get some closure.
I never thought a couple of paragraphs could take one 3 or so hours to write, but that's what it took. I laid down the basics, even hinted at a couple things without actually saying 'em. When I finished I clicked the send button, and my message was away via livejournal. Three days passed and no response, doubts began to settle in. Then I forced my brain to think logically for once. It was very possible that her notifications were turned off and that means I would have to wait for her to log back into livejournal, and looking at the time between that post and the previous one, it could be a long time coming. Taking action I did a little more scrounging and located an email address. Hoping that it was current I sent off a short message saying that she had something in her livejournal inbox that might be of interest to her. I got a reply a couple hours later.
We toss about a couple emails and lo and behold I am talking to her on ventrillo that night. After the initial awkwardness we both began to open more up and just chat away. We spent our time shooting the shit and catching up. The whole time I am thinking it's the same old Rachel, but somehow different; not in a bad way either. She's more mature, she would laugh at that, but it's true. She and I still, after all this time, shared a lot of interests, games, movies, general BS. We talked, laughed and shared, it felt so... natural; she said it best, it felt like coming home.
This went on for a couple days, during it I asked myself, "Could I give a relationship with her another go? Assuming she would even want to, do I give her a second chance? It was tough before being long distance and all, but today keeping in touch with someone is easier and I think we've garnered some patience over the years. She was worth it then, is she worth it now?" The answer came almost immediately: "yes."
So I tried to work up the courage to ask the question, but she dropped one on me first. "What do you hope to achieve from this?" (the wording may be off, my memory sucks these days, but that's what she said or the gist of it.) It was all I needed and I told her. "I was curious to see if giving us being together another chance was possible." She said some things, trying to deter me, but I was adamant in my decision by this time. I got a "I need to think about it." in the end, and it's all that I could ask for, this was heavy shit.
As my previous post states in its edit, she said yes (her words were very moving, but those I am keeping private), and it made me happier than I have been in a very long time. So, that's where I am today. We are communicating often, interacting with each other when we can, and keeping positive. Some things still need to be taken care of, but those will be dealt with, all with a smile on my face as I stoke the embers back to life.
EDIT: Well, some time has passed and to make it this sub-entry short, things didn't quite fall into place as I had hoped. The issues were multifaceted, but the big glaring issue which seems to be behind it all is distance. She needs someone to be there with her for those old feelings to surface, but she's not sure if they can or will. I simply cannot displace my life, one I've worked hard at to assemble, on a maybe. My heart is sad at this turn of events. We will keep in contact and remain as friends, I can be happy for that; she's good people and we get along well.
If opportunity knocks though, or if something develops, I will be sure to nab it quick. For now... My heart callouses over and I feel lonely once again.
EDIT#2: Been a while, but I decided to change a couple words and cut some stuff in context so sense could still be made. The word I used has become mired in negativity from its origin and I don't want to associate with its new connotation.
